Episode 6 - 'The Sofa'

Introduction by a group of smarmy Italian ice-cream vendors, singing random opera.

Karl carries a large steak on the end of a long pole (like someone feeding a lion) which he pokes tentatively at the sofa.  Phil asks him what he's doing, Karl says he's feeding the sofa.  Phil says he can see that by why on earth is he feeding it steak?  It much prefers biscuits, sugar, and old chewing gum.  Karl sighs and heads back to the kitchen.

Phil sits when suddenly a red phone starts to ring.  It's Reverend Godber, the town has been invaded by evil ice-cream vendors.  Phil must stop their evil game.  Phil checks no-one's around, then pulls back the head of a bust to reveal a fireman's pole hidden behind a bookcase.  He leaps down it and the bookcase slides back into place.

Chas wanders into the empty living room.

Karl bustles in the kitchen, fixing the sofa's snack.

Chas turns on his Playstation.

Karl bustles some more.

Chas approaches the sofa.

Bustle, bustle, bustle.

Chas sits on the sofa and it promptly eats him.

Karl enters, Chas is totally gone.  Karl offers the mix of biscuit bits, sugar and old chewing gum but the sofa refuses it.  Karl tells it to suit itself, and wanders off eating the sofa's lunch.  When he's gone the sofa burps loudly.

Brief shot of Phil running up to a perfectly ordinary looking ice-cream van.  He pushes it over, it bursts into flames, a huge queue of children next to it start crying and disperse off-screen.
Chas tumbles, Alice in Wonderland style, down a tunnel past lost TV remotes and spare change.  He lands safely on a big pile of cushions.  He lies back but they start to complain angrily at him, shaking spears.  They deposit him on the floor and advance threateningly.

Karen asks Karl if he's seen Chas recently.  Karl, who is crashing off the sugar high, says something about not seeing him since he couldn't feed the sofa.  Karen is horrified that Karl didn't feed it, and desperately searches for Chas.

Meanwhile, back in the sofa, Chas curls up into a fetal ball, as the Cushion People advance.  As his posterior waggles in a terrified fashion at them, they recognize Chas as the Great Behind, that descends from above - the most important deity in their pantheon.  They drop to their knees and begin to worship.

Phil chases another ice-cream vendor across the park.  The ice-cream vendor sings opera as he runs, Phil leaps on top of the ice-cream vendor and lands on top of him with a crunch.  A green puddle seeps out underneath him 'Got another one' Phil mutters.

The Cushion people take Chas to his own temple.  At its centre is their holiest relic: The Digestive Biscuit of the Apocalypse.  Karl recognizes it as a special, limited edition Digestive Biscuit, that he and only 17,000 other people were able to get their hands on.  He begins to salivate dangerously.  The Cushion People explain that they believe that whenever The Digestive Biscuit of the Apocalypse leaves the hands of the Cushion People, the end of the Sofa is Nigh.  When he doesn't think anyone is looking Chas eats the biscuit.

Karen is in a frenzy, convinced that the sofa has eaten Chas.  Karl, who has developed a junkie itch and keeps searching for sugar packets, doesn't care.  But Karen announces that they must launch a search party.  Karl resists, but Phil returns, quickly hiding his cape and mask.  Loving any excuse to use physical force on Karl he grabs him and they dive into the sofa's maw.  As they tumble, Karl desperately grabs at biscuit crumbs.

When they land they hear tribal chanting and head in its direction.  By this point Karl has got the shakes.  The Cushion People are gathered around a bubbling cauldron boiling Chas.  He is shouting that this is sacrilege, and that he didn't eat the biscuit, it was some other guy that looks a lot like him.

At the mention of a digestive biscuit, Karl flies into a frenzy and attacks but he is outnumbered and a weakling and is chucked into the pot too.  Phil tells Karen to stand back and let a man handle this.  He too is taken down and cast into the pot.  A fretful Karen goes forward, she begins chastising the Cushion People, complaining that they have poor cooking skills, they all sit back and listen as Karen teaches them about seasoning.  While this happens, the others all make a break for it.  Phil grabs Karen and they all run back to the exit.

As Karl, Chas, Phil and Karen clamber out of the sofa, an ice-cream van pulls up outside.  Extreme close up on Phil's eyes as they narrow in anger...